E-cigarettes now 100% pointless

by philapilus

Already completely shit and unsatisfying in every way, now you have to stand in the rain with the fucking thing

The sole benefit of e-cigarettes is to be potentially stripped away, under new plans to make holding a plastic tube up to your face illegal in enclosed public places.

The scheme is currently being considered for a trial run in Wales, but members of the smoking lobby say they are hopeful that the measures will be rolled out across the whole of the UK in the very near future.

Ivor Biggun, Welsh minister for all non-sheep related matters, said “Since e-cigarettes came in people have been staying inside the pub, instead of going outside for a quick fag, see?

“The damage to tobacco sales has been very serious, deary deary me.

“But if people can no longer enjoy the minute benefits of inhaling steam through a toy pipe, without going out into the dark, wet Welsh weather, they might as well chuck the bloody useless thing away, and have a proper smoke, see? There’s lovely, isn’t it?”

A spokesperson for the Department of Health said “This is not about drumming up business for tobacco companies. We are just very worried that e-cigarettes undermine the smoking ban. People see someone sitting opposite them, sucking on what is basically an empty pen, and they think ‘now I need tobacco’.

“But this is just the first step, once this is on the statute books, we’ll ban sugar and salt from public places, in case they remind anyone of cocaine.

“Then comes the biggie; banning the intake of any food-substance, nutrients, water or indeed oxygen into the body, because even thinking about them can make you start injecting heroin into the big vein under your cock.

“And then before you know it, you’re on the streets doing disgusting things for cash, until your parents come and take you home and lock you in the shed till you go cold turkey, and my mum said ‘I always knew you’d turn out bad’, and I cried for about an hour because of the disappointed look in her eyes.

“Um, obviously that’s just one hypothetical outcome.”

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