Archive for April, 2014

April 30, 2014

US introduces new ‘nearly capital punishment’ sentence

by philapilus

Now just makes a really annoying buzzing sound until your brain gives up out of desperation

Courts throughout the United States have been given the go-ahead to hand down ‘not quite death’ sentences, after a successful trial run yesterday, with Oklahoman prisoner Clayton Lockett.

Lockett eventually had a heart attack, after a lethal injection nearly – but crucially not quite – killed him.

The new sentence, known as ‘nearly capital’ or ‘not quite death’, has been brought in to act “as even more of a deterrent than the existing deterrent of just killing people.”

Senator Randy Bumfukowizc, who pushed

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April 30, 2014

Fans ‘delighted’ as Jessica Tandy and Thora Hird confirm Star Wars VII appearances

by philapilus

“The Mos Eisley Old Folks Home; you will never find a more wretched hive of arthritics and anachronistic witterers.”

Legions of Sci-Fi fans were delirious this morning, as it was confirmed that yet more extremely elderly thespians had accepted parts in the forthcoming Star Wars film.

Yesterday’s announcement that Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher will reprise their roles as Han, Luke and Leia, had already wowed the franchise’s most

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April 28, 2014

George Clooney’s marriage ‘to make everything OK’

by philapilus

“It’s OK Barry, everything will be fine from now on”

It was revealed this morning that the small remainder of the world’s problems that weren’t solved by the visit of Prince George to New Zealand and Australia, will be handily mopped up by the news that George Clooney is banging some lawyer.

All news of the crisis in Ukraine, the devastating tornadoes in America, and the escalating hostilities between North and South Korea, dried up completely, as George Clooney’s relationship healed the world like a great big sticking plaster, and a kiss on the hurty bit from your mum.

Clooney’s agent, Vic Smarm, said “After weeks of nearly everything being brilliant because a baby visited

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April 28, 2014

‘Oh my god will you just STOP sending me sodding Candy Crush invites?’ says everyone

by philapilus

‘This could be the end of a beautiful friendship’

There was a huge Facebook backlash yesterday, as thousands of members finally lost it after being invited to play Candy Crush Saga for the 458th time.

Many users left the site altogether, others posted statuses such as “Ask again and I will kill you”, “If I didn’t accept when you first asked me two months ago, why the sh*tt*ng f*ck would I now?” and the succinct, if desperate, “I will hunt you down and run over your legs with a lawn-mower”.

Inventor of Candy Crush Saga, Dr Ken Unterman, said “I had an awful childhood. Now it’s your turn to suffer. And guess what? Here come seven new versions of the game! Screw you all.”

Wendy Nailinthehead, an

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April 25, 2014

Cornish people granted Endangered Species status

by philapilus
The species is also threatened because heavy deforestation has all but destroyed the plant which provides its only food source; the pasty tree

The species is also threatened because heavy deforestation has all but destroyed the plant which provides its only food source; the pasty tree

The International Union for the Conservation of Nature has granted the Cornish the status of ‘Endangered Species’, just one step down from ‘Critically Endangered’, in a bid to prevent the extinction of the entire native population of Cornwall.

Dr Yaka T Yak of the IUCN said “The Cornish is a pleasant, gentle animal – a bit simple, yes, I’ll grant you, but you can feed one from the palm of your hand the very first time you meet it. Unlike the Geordie for instance, which would take your arm off at the shoulder with its foul, pestilent fangs.”

Dr Yak continued “The Cornish makes a pleasing babbling sound, which no one has ever managed to interpret, but they are showing evidence of becoming tool-using mammals, after similarly underevolved primates from Devonshire taught them how to roll round things along the ground.

“Yet sadly this

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April 25, 2014

“Holy f***, did you see those planes?!” asks Better Together campaign

by philapilus

The Russians are extremely keen for Britain to avoid the devolution of any further powers to the regions, let alone grant one full independence…

“Shitting Christ, the Russians are coming!!!!” screamed the opponents of Scottish independence yesterday, after two Russian bombers made a completely ordinary flight near British airspace.

Chief of the Air Staff, Sir Lesley Fanshawe Haines-Haines, said “I can confirm that we sent RAF fighters up, and wagged our fingers very sternly at the Sovie- sorry, the Russian planes.

“Basically, if it wasn’t for the RAF, they were going to bomb Scotland back into the Stone Age.

“Seriously people; a

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April 25, 2014

Bob Crow memorial strike to go ahead

by philapilus

Yeah, your slightly longer journey to work really is the greatest injustice the world has ever known

The RMT union confirmed this morning that its members will go ahead with next week’s strike in honour of Bob Crow.

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said today “Bob was brilliant, we miss him. So next week we are planning to celebrate his life, in a way we know he would have enjoyed; by seriously pissing off millions of people and bringing London to its knees.

“I like to think old Bob will be looking down at us and smiling. Or possibly looking up and smiling. Well, wherever he

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April 22, 2014

Nation confused about Moyes’ sacking

by philapilus
Normally massively fucking up just results in being sent to the seats at the back of the class for a bit

Normally even fucking up COMPLETELY just results in being sent to the seats at the back of the class for a bit

After a brief tenure as Manchester United manager, during which the club’s fortunes plummeted, David Moyes has been sacked – much to the incomprehension of many Britons.

Banker Mike Ock said “So, Man U has performed terribly, they’re making regular sporting losses, the company’s value on the stock market has fallen; fine, I get all that – but why are they sacking him? It makes no sense. Shouldn’t he be getting some sort of massive bonus?”

Senior Civil Servant Sir Lesley Fanshawe-Haines-Haines added “As I understand it, the club has gone from being at the top of the premiership league to somewhere way down below the Maidenhead Magpies. But surely Moyes should at least be offered a massive Golden Handshake, and given a higher paid job in another department while everyone pretends it’s just a planned restructure?

“Just giving him the Golden Handshake makes it look like they’re saying publicly that they don’t want him.”

Part of the confusion, experts say, stems from

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April 22, 2014

Farage defends UKIP posters: “if anything, they’re not racist enough”

by philapilus
"They're coming! They're coooommmmmmming! (Vote UKIP)"

“They’re coming! They’re coooommmmmmming! (Oh, and be sure to vote UKIP)”

Nigel Farage has defended UKIP’s poster campaign for the European elections, claiming the images are based on “Facts and documented statistics, which prove definitively that everyone living East of Frankfurt has eaten at least four British babies in the last two years.”

One controversial poster shows an unstoppable zombie horde of swarthy men and whiskered women, advancing from Dover and devouring all in their path, halting occasionally only to perform undeclared manual labouring jobs, such as shoddy bricklaying.

Another shows elderly British grandmothers being murdered in their beds by scheming foreign devils, and yet another – known to be Farage’s personal favourite – shows him dressed in a crusader’s tabard, wielding an Excalibur-like sword and laying waste to a force of elite benefits claimants.

The UKIP leader said today that “93% of all

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April 17, 2014

My Christianity, by David Cameron

by philapilus

As Easter approaches I thought it might be appropriate to share with you some of the lessons that Christianity has taught me personally, and which help guide my decisions as Prime Minister.

Favoured significantly lowering the top rate of taxation and abolishing inheritance tax completely

Jesus was a figure of great courage and empathy. Even though he was the Son of God, he spent his life helping the poor, living amongst the working classes, and striving to improve the lot of the common man.

He whipped greedy bankers, and berated the powerful, whilst teaching us all to treat foreigners as brothers, welcoming them into our home, regardless of race or creed.

Looking back over what my coalition government has achieved, I think it would be immodest to say that I am as good as Jesus exactly, but I

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