Winnie the Pooh preventing your child from being a genius

by philapilus

Presumably if you know their names you are thicker than porridge

A team from Toronto University has announced that your children would be a bunch of veritable Einsteins by now, if it weren’t for the fact that you read them stories about Paddington Bear, and Peter Rabbit.

Dr Wendy Nailinthehead said “Our research proves that exposing children to the callous lies encoded in texts like ‘The House at Pooh Corner’, will completely destroy their chances of ever getting into a decent university.

“It is precisely because very small children persist in the dangerous delusion, for about a year or so, that animals can talk, that our society is not yet peopled with a master-race of genius-intellectuals.

“Basically, all books, films – even cuddly toys – that perpetuate the barbaric belief in talking animals are making your children dumb as fuck.”

The Canadian study recommends that all children be read Mathematics textbooks at bedtime, instead of anthropomorphic animal stories.

It also says that if your children use ‘he’ or ‘she’ instead of ‘it’ to refer to a non-human creature, you should smack them senseless, and then replace all of their toys with breeze blocks.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Stories, said “Actually, children are quite malleable, clever, and capable of changing their beliefs, because of something they do called ‘learning’.

“Just because you think your tortoise can understand you when you’re three, doesn’t mean you’ll end up being a dumb-as-fuck Canadian scientist when you grow up.”

He added “The thing that stops humanity evolving into a race of super-intelligent beings, traversing interstellar space and unlocking the very secrets of the universe itself, is that we keep wasting all our time on absolutely fucking pointless studies like this one.”


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