Sport: Flyweight ‘In/Out’ title, Farage vs Clegg

by philapilus

The best bit was when they had both fucked off

Anticipation ran high ahead of last night’s title-fight for the coveted European ‘In/Out’ belt, and an unprecedented crowd of 147 people arrived – more than have ever come to see either fighter before.

The match was mired in controversy before it even began, after a weigh-in on Tuesday which had seen both men struggle to make the minimum weight limit.

Accusations came from both entourages that the opposing fighter had stuffed his pants, but even though both refused to undress, it was agreed the fight would go ahead anyway.

From the start of Round 1 it was obvious that Clegg’s pencil-thin arms were again having difficulty keeping up the heavy gloves, and he adopted his idiomatic ‘lolloping stance’; running backwards with his arms by his sides, an expression of anguished terror on his face.

Farage too slipped into his usual style, arms raised at his sides but bent at the elbow, so that his gloves were up under his armpits doing a monkey impression, whilst shouting “Ugga-bugga, me de foreign man wan’ steal de Englis’ woman an’ de ben’fit!”

After three minutes neither fighter had actually touched the other. Nick had backed into his corner, hands raised protectively over his head, and with eyes shut was screaming “Help! David! Help!”, but Nigel failed to press home the advantage, because he had stopped on the other side of the ring to shout at his own feet.

At the bell, Clegg’s team wiped away his tears and hugged him, whilst Farage’s people rubbed marmalade in his hair and slapped him repeatedly around the face with a piece of cod.

Round 2 began with both fighters approaching the centre slowly; Clegg through palpable fear, Farage because he had momentarily forgotten how to walk.

Nigel swung a punch which failed to connect, but the tiny breeze from its passage was enough to knock his opponent to the floor.

Even before the referee could begin the count however, Nigel had swung a fierce uppercut at the only person still standing, ie himself, and the two flyweights ended up lying unconscious next to one another on the canvas.

The judges ruled unanimously that whilst there had been no overall winner, there were two clear losers.

 

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