British military shouldn’t model itself on ‘Dad’s Army’, says expert

by philapilus
Dads Army

Britain’s army waits for its high-spec military transport, the 15:35 branchline service from Cookham to Maidenhead

A former head of the army said today that “The bit in the Dad’s Army title sequence, when the British flag retreats over the English channel and sits quivering on the coast of East Sussex, is not a suitable model for our armed forces.”

Sir Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines added that the British Army’s continued reduction in numbers and increasing reliance on octogenarian part-timers, “make it extremely hard to respond to Putin’s annexation of the Crimea with anything more forceful than a remonstrative letter.

“Furthermore, pulling back from our bases in Germany – like the UK triangles fleeing from the Swastika triangles at the start of that excellent comedy show – is going to make us look like a right bunch of twats.”

But Defence Secretary Philip Hammond took a break from presenting Top Gear to announce that “We stand firm behind the decision to cease staffing our forces with full-time soldiers, and to scale back our activities to the Walmington-on-Sea waterfront.

“Our modern army needs to focus more on its core duties, such as parading up and down the pier with brooms instead of rifles, pratfalling, and generally getting into hilarious japes involving vicars.”

Asked what resources the UK might employ to prevent Vladimir Putin from rolling on into Moldova, Hammond replied “Ooh, look! What’s that over there?”

Once reporters’ backs were turned he then proceeded to run away, as fast as his little legs would carry him.

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