First impressions of Hell, by Fred Phelps

by philapilus

In yet another exclusive scoop, TMB brings you the first musings on the afterlife of late Westboro Baptist Church pastor, Fred Phelps:

Well, first I thought “Goddamnit, if there ain’t been some kinda disgraceful mistake! Here I am in the wrong Goddamn afterlife!”

Then it hit me; obviously I was such a faithful servant of God, He’s sent me down here for three days, like He did Jesus when he come off the cross. Yessir, just like Jesus came down to kick the crap outta the sinners before being resurrerectered, so ol’ Fred’s gotta do the same.

Anyway, I’m at this big pearly gate, and this goddamn faggot says to me, “Welcome beloved brother” and tries to give me a hug! I says “Get your filthy homosexual hands off me or I’magonna break your face”.

But inside it’s even worse. Goddamn awful people everywhere – lazing around, smiling, hugging, laughing. There weren’t a single placard,not a single funeral noplace, and there weren’t even nobody being righteously thrashed neither.

Then I meet a bunch of Americans, and I know I’s in Hell. Them faggot-loving asslickers what lets women drive, and black men vote. Goddamn disgusting.

So I grabbed a pen, wrote “God hates fags” on a bit of wood, and began runnin’ around missioning to people, hitting them in the face with the sign, and telling them “Hate like youse meant to, or go to…or stay in Hell!”

Then this guy approached me, the most faggoty I met yet. Dressed like a goddamn hippy with long hair, and loose robes. He even had holes in his hands and feet, presumably so’s he could fuck even more dicks at the same time.

He says to me “My child, though confused in life and filled with hate, even you are loved by my Father, and He has made a place for you, here in his house.”

So I said “Listen you goddamn cocksucker; I don’t want your goddamn fag father’s love, nor yours neither. You and your daddy can find some other faggot to gangbang. Now outta my face before I spit in your eye. I’m here to beat God’s law into your faggot lives and then I am going gladly to the other place.”

He said “You want to go there? Where there is nothing but wailing, gnashing of teeth, pain and violence?”

I said, “Do they hate the gays?”

He said “Of course.”

I said “I can’t wait! Now get outta my way, faggot; I got me some shoutin’ to do.”

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