G4S manages a whole day without fuck-ups

by philapilus

Yay us!

It was announced this morning that on Friday last week, G4S didn’t make a single mistake all day.

The company drew media attention to the anomaly in a bid to shift attention from today’s news that three of its custody employees will face manslaughter charges, over the death of deportee Jimmy Mabenga, while in transit.

G4S has continuously won awards for its utter fuckwittery*, including the coveted ‘being called completely fucking shit by almost every person on the planet’ medal.

But spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said today “Last week, on Friday, we didn’t kill anyone, didn’t lose millions and millions of pounds, didn’t commit fraud on a huge scale, and didn’t accidentally blow up the moon. Um, we think.

“People say all we do is fuck everything up over and over and over, but from now on we shall hold our heads up high, and say ‘Remember Friday 14th March 2014!’ We’re very relieved.”

After the announcement however the company was almost immediately enmired in fresh allegations that it was responsible for the accidental destruction of Japan on Friday afternoon.

Director James J Twatface said “I can’t say it definitely didn’t happen. But I will say ‘Remember Friday 14th March 2014 – or at least the morning of it!'”


* Said fuckwittery includes but is not limited to:

  • the death of an Australian aboriginal elder (also in transit)
  • running a prison where torture allegedly took place regularly
  • fraudulently overcharging the UK government for tagging criminals (many of whom were no longer being monitored, were out of the country, or in some cases were actually dead)
  • failing to prevent an octogenarian, protesting, Catholic nun from gaining access to a nuclear facility they were supposedly guarding
  • perhaps most spectacularly, failed to provide enough staff for the huge, immensely high-profile security contract for the 2012 Olympics (so that the sodding army had to be called in to bail them out)

“Jesus wept, what utter fucking morons.” said everyone.

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