Archive for March 18th, 2014

March 18, 2014

Missing plane MH370 was carrying the news

by philapilus

“Stop the press. Literally.”

After 10 days of not being able to find the news, news agencies around the world have realised that most – in fact probably all – of it was on board the missing jet, MH370.

The Malaysian Airlines flight vanished without trace on 8th March, the exact same date that almost all the news disappeared. Until now this was thought to be a coincidence.

But news-sleuth, Crapname Morse, said “After wide-ranging searches, undertaken by the international community, we have concluded that the missing news was on board the missing plane, which is why there hasn’t been any other news since it went off the radar.

“Our only

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March 18, 2014

Sanctions on 6 Russians fail to deter Putin from swallowing Crimea

by philapilus

Russia’s credibility has reached the ‘jumping the shark’ stage. “AAYYYY!”

Experts say that the international community’s robust and vigorous imposing of sanctions on Russian diplomats has not yet managed to change Russia’s plan to annex the Crimea.

The region, which voted overwhelmingly to become a Russian republic at the weekend, was described by Vladimir Putin as “Mouth-wateringly succulent, with a lingering aroma of aniseed”.

Mr Putin told the Russian parliament that “The democratic wish of the Crimean people to be devoured, must be respected.

“Speaker of the

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March 18, 2014

Cosmic inflation ‘clinching proof’ of creationism

by philapilus
File:PSR B1509-58 full.jpg

“See? He’s waving”

After scientists claimed to have discovered evidence of the exponential ‘Cosmic inflation’ of space following the Big Bang, Christians have explained that this is in fact final proof of the existence of God.

Reverend-Professor Randy Bumfukowizc said “The so-called gravitational effects on ‘old light’, the Cosmic Microwave Background, are being touted as evidence of some sort of bogus theory of expansion.

“But what the BICEP2 team refuses to acknowledge, is that if you look at the images retrieved from the South Pole telescope, slightly unfocus your eyes, and pray for revelation, you actually begin to see something extraordinary.

“The

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