Hacking trial hears of Diana’s ‘phone revenge on Charles’

by philapilus
Drinking Bee.jpg

‘Do not insert into inner ear’

The phone-hacking trial heard today that Diana used “specially trained tiny bees” to take revenge on her promiscuous husband, Charles.

The former royal editor of the News of the World, Clive Goodman, told the court that “In exchange for a list of secret royal phone numbers, Diana was supplied with very small bees, which she sent down the phone line to sting the Prince’s inner ear.”

St James’ Palace has not yet confirmed or denied the rumour, though a source close to the Prince did say that Charles was admitted to the Royal National Throat, Nose and Ear hospital, shortly after the collapse of the marriage.

Goodman’s astounding claims were then substantiated by the evidence of unemployed apiarist Tim Twanks.

Twanks told the court “I sold the Princess of Hearts the bees, which had been bred and trained in what is now Croatia, and showed her how to push them into the little holes in the mouthpiece of the phone, using a tiny hammer and a pair of tweezers.

“Next thing I knew, she was dialling this number, and I heard some right toff at the other end of it, saying ‘Hullo’?

“Quick as you like, she’s ramming bees into the handset, and a few moments later there’s this screaming coming from the other end. Then Diana shouted ‘That one’s for you, Jug Ears!’ and slammed the phone down.

“Well if I’d known she was going to assault royalty, I’d never have given her the bees. How was I supposed to know?”

A team of lawyers has been consulting the statute books, and the entire canon of British law, to try and work out exactly what sort of crime took place.

Results are as yet inconclusive, but an interesting case emerged, recorded in the 16th century, when a disgruntled servant of Henry VIII’s put a bee in the king’s ear.

The record states “Yea, and putting him this beee within the eer of hif king, that servante was taken to a tunnele in Parris (that beeing ye citee in wych they were then visiting), and kill’d he was, by ye method of flattening him with an carte.”

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