Jeremy Hunt given power to blow up hospitals

by philapilus
Jeremy Hunt visiting the Kaiser Permanente Center for Total Health, 700 Second St, Washington, USA-3June2013.jpg

The bill also gives the Health Secretary the right of ‘jus prima noctis’ throughout the United Kingdom and Commonwealth

A bill passed on Tuesday has given Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt the power to plant high explosives inside every hospital in the country and then detonate them “as and when he deems it necessary or entertaining”.

A Conservative spokesperson said this morning “After Jeremy failed to shut down Lewisham Hospital because the High Court ruled it unlawful, we decided that the best thing to do was change the law.

“It’s worked really well. We think we’re going to do it for everything from now on; it makes our job so much easier. Maybe we’ll even bring in a law that says you have to vote Conservative. That’d be good.”

Hunt’s new powers also include the ability to shut immediately any hospital that has a vowel in its name, and legally enforces compulsory nudity for attractive members of staff during Conservative party official visits.

An interesting sub-clause enables the Health Secretary to pump hundreds of thousands of bees into geriatric wards, lock the doors, and then film the elderly patients trying to get away from them on crutches.

Labour opposed the government plans, on the grounds that hospitals can be quite useful, and also that changing the law when you don’t get your way could be considered a form of tyranny.

But after winning the vote, David Cameron invited Ed Miliband to sit on his fat hairy cock and swivel, adding “I would also like to suggest that the Right Honourable Gentleman gets used to calling me king.”

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