Kim Jong-un in landslide victory against Nobody

by philapilus
Kim Jong-Un clapping

“Actually it’s brilliant news for Everybody that he won. He’s great!” said Nobody.

In the most closely-fought North Korean election in recent history, Kim Jong-un managed to defeat Nobody, to remain his district’s deputy to the supreme people’s assembly.

In the run-up to the ballot it seemed that Nobody was an extremely strong contender. One expert said “I would say it is almost 100% certain that Nobody will defeat Kim Jong-un this Sunday.”

Although many Western outsiders were surprised to see Nobody’s name on the ballot paper alongside the Supreme leader’s, North Korea does in fact have a long history of putting Nobody up against incumbent totalitarian leaders.

The Supreme People’s Vice-Marshall Field-General Admiral Adjutant said “Towards the end of Sunday it was looking as if it was too close to call.

“Kim Jong-un had received 100% of the vote, but Nobody was alongside him neck-and-neck. In fact, there was a moment where it looked like Nobody could even get higher than 100% of the votes.”

Impartial observers said that it was only when Kim Jong-un pointed out how close he was to shooting Everybody, that Somebody begged him to shoot No-one, telling him “You’ve won anyway, supreme leader.”

The most choreographed-looking spontaneous celebrations ever broke out all over the country, and Everybody revelled in having survived another blissfully adventurous day, filled with the uncertainty of whether or not Anybody would survive.

UN spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Kim Jong-un is the kind of utterly psychotic, batshit insane, mass-murderer who would happily kill everyone in his entire country over the result of an election that it was impossible for him to lose.

“But for God’s sake, don’t tell Anybody I said that. The mad little shit would start a nuclear war over a rubber band.”

 

 

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