Archive for March 10th, 2014

March 10, 2014

Kim Jong-un in landslide victory against Nobody

by philapilus
Kim Jong-Un clapping

“Actually it’s brilliant news for Everybody that he won. He’s great!” said Nobody.

In the most closely-fought North Korean election in recent history, Kim Jong-un managed to defeat Nobody, to remain his district’s deputy to the supreme people’s assembly.

In the run-up to the ballot it seemed that Nobody was an extremely strong contender. One expert said “I would say it is almost 100% certain that Nobody will defeat Kim Jong-un this Sunday.”

Although many Western outsiders were surprised to see Nobody’s name on the ballot paper alongside the Supreme leader’s, North Korea does in fact have a long history of putting Nobody up against incumbent totalitarian leaders.

The Supreme

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March 10, 2014

Cameron still paying for friends

by philapilus

handshake-158683_640[1]

Tory HQ has had a special brochure printed to explain the concept of ‘Friends’ to party members

After it was confirmed this weekend that David Cameron continues to pay for people to like him, everyone agreed that this was pretty much what they’d expected anyway.

The story that the Tories had spent thousands of pounds trying to convince people to like his shitty Facebook page excited some utter morons, but failed to impress those of Cameron’s detractors or supporters with reasonable IQs.

IT consultant, Wendy Nailinthehead, who specialises in telling people to turn it off and then on again, said “Well, we all know he’s been doing that since infants school anyway. So why

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March 10, 2014

Scotland and UK united in despising Gordon Brown

by philapilus

“Just awful”

Ex-PM Gordon Brown has once again managed to defuse tensions and heal rifts, by getting the opposing sides on the Scottish Independence question to unite in their joint hatred of him.

Brown outlined a six part plan for power-sharing between London and Edinburgh, cities which until now have been locked in a bitter tug of war.

Both sides immediately and simultaneously issued statements offering the olive branch, each agreeing to “anything you ask for, as long as we can join together in telling that one-eyed prick to piss off.”

A contrite UK said

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