Blowing smoke into your child’s open mouth ‘not good for them’, says report

by philapilus

“Who says you’ll live longer if you don’t smoke? You could get flattened by a charging elephant in Sainsbury’s tomorrow, so why not have a quick cigarette today?”

New research published in the European Heart Journal suggests that smoking cigarettes and then exhaling all over your children is not particularly good for their health, and might even be bad for them.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Smoke Studies, said “What we’ve managed to prove here is that passive smoking is really quite a bad thing. It is much worse for your children than, say, giving them carrots.

“Look, I’m as aware as you are of how ridiculously obvious it is even having to write something so commonsensical down, let alone bother to test it, but you just wouldn’t believe how powerful the smoking lobby is.

“No doubt they’ll manage to squash this research, but I like to feel that, in my own tiny way which will now be ignored completely, I have tried to make smoking parents slightly better informed, and encouraged them not to be such selfish arseholes.”

But James J Twatface, from smoking lobby group ‘Got A Smoke? Perfect!’ said “This is just one tiny experiment carried out on a minute sample of 2000 children.

“How do we know that these so-called scientists, with their so-called report, have come up with so-called findings related to so-called passive smoking?

“Couldn’t these so-called health problems be just as easily caused by shampoo, milk, socks, or the number of bees there are in the average sized garden?

“It’s just blind, anti-cigarette manufacturing prejudice.”

Tobacco companies this morning commissioned 35 new studies in retaliation, which they say will disprove the ‘passive smoking’ theory, instead linking health-problems in children’s lungs and arteries to eating jam, sleeping, and running around quite fast.

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: