“Fuck this” says Pope

by philapilus

“Do you honestly think I give a flying fuck what you stick on your todger?”

Pope Francis issued a statement today, explaining that he definitely had not accidentally uttered a swear-word during Sunday’s blessing.

“People say: ‘What a funny slip of the tongue’ or ‘Even the Pope makes mistakes!’, ” said Pope Francis, “but that’s bullshit. I didn’t make a mistake. I am just totally sick of this fucking job.

“I mean, Christ – and that’s not a prayer – what the hell was I thinking? All this kneeling and blessing and praying-for-wisdom bullshit. All this seeing-the-other-person’s-point-of-view wank.

“I’m calling it right now. Fuck this pretence. What I really think is: shoot Putin in the face, persecute the protestants, start a Crusade against the Muslims – and if that fucking Dalai Lama comes round here again, well, we’ll see how fireproof he is.”

The church was quick to suggest that the Holy Father was not well, but Pope Francis retorted “Can I invite you to look at me for a second? See what I’m doing? Sitting down. In my chair. Pope, chair. Know what that means?

“That’s right fuckers. I am currently infallible. Ex Cathedra. Now fuck off, and get me my war council.

“What do you mean, I haven’t got a war council? We’re fucking changing that, for starters.”

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