US threatens Russia with stern phonecalls

by philapilus
File:Barack Obama on phone with Benjamin Netanyahu 2009-06-08.jpg

“Can I speak to Vladimir please?… Well, can you tell him it’s really rather urgent?… Well can I leave a message then?”

President Obama has said that Russia’s military presence in the Crimea constitutes a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and could lead to “Some really very serious phonecalls.”

Having already rung Vladimir Putin over the weekend, to explain just how ticked off the Western world is with him, Obama has threatened the Russian president with at least one more phonecall, possibly two, by the end of Monday.

“This Russian aggression is utterly unlawful, and we condemn it,” said Obama, “US telephones are already being strategically placed on every desk within the White House, so that no matter which room I am in, I can call Putin any time I want, and make a really quite strong complaint.”

David Cameron has offered the Ukraine Britain’s full backing. A No 10 statement promised “If the USA makes a phone call, we will immediately support it with a British text to Vladimir Putin’s secretary’s personal mobile phone. Unless she’s changed her number.”

France was too busy shagging models to come to the phone, but shouted through the door that it was ready to make a full-scale capitulation as soon as was necessary.

Foreign Secretary William Hague said “As yet President Putin shows no signs of retreating, but I cannot stress enough how badly things will go for him if he does not stand down.

“Prince Edward, the Earl of Wessex has already said he will not now attend the paralympic winter games in Sochi, and I think we can all agree that this will be a devastating blow against the Russian occupying forces. We may even refuse to send Clare Balding to commentate.”

Hague added “Meanwhile British paralympians have been harnessed to their wheelchairs, had javelins strapped to their stumps, and will form an advance ‘Light Brigade’, in glorious re-enactment of that great charge made in the last Crimean War with Russia.

“I forget the result, but I bet it was bloody good.”

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