Archive for March 3rd, 2014

March 3, 2014

“Black, gay, jobless immigrants to side with the Scots?!” screams Daily Mail

by philapilus
File:Flag of Scotland.svg

“My mate told me that someone in the pub reckons the Scots and their Ugandan minions plan to crucify the English on it, in the manner of St Andrew”

Most of Middle England had a heart attack this afternoon, after Scotland offered asylum to homosexual Ugandan refugees, fleeing persecution under new anti-gay laws.

President Yoweri Museveni’s  outlawing of gay sex, gay marriage, speaking camply, or quite enjoying the pop music of the 1980s un-ironically, has left many in the country feeling they had nowhere to turn.

But Jock McStrap, Scottish Minister for England-bothering, said “Aye, send em aul o’er heer, we dinnae min’. If it macks yon English shat their troosers, aul the better, d’ye ken? The muir the murrier.”

The parts of

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March 3, 2014

Susanna Reid’s knickers move to ITV

by philapilus

“No one cares about Bill Turnbull’s, no matter how many pairs he has”

Ardent followers of the news have declared their intentions to switch from BBC to ITV, in protest against the corporation’s “continual dumbing down and anti-government bias”, in a switch which it is claimed has “Nothing to do with Susanna Reid’s knickers”.

Watchers insisted today that it was a complete coincidence that ITV has just successfully poached the popular BBC presenter for its new breakfast programme.

Last year a study found that Susanna Reid, who occasionally wears short dresses, and crosses her legs, is the favoured morning news presenter of most British men, for her “excellent, fluent and no-nonsense delivery of information in an objective manner.”

The study found “absolutely no correlation” between fans of Reid’s hard-nosed journalism, and the vast number of Google searches performed every day for flashes of

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March 3, 2014

US threatens Russia with stern phonecalls

by philapilus
File:Barack Obama on phone with Benjamin Netanyahu 2009-06-08.jpg

“Can I speak to Vladimir please?… Well, can you tell him it’s really rather urgent?… Well can I leave a message then?”

President Obama has said that Russia’s military presence in the Crimea constitutes a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and could lead to “Some really very serious phonecalls.”

Having already rung Vladimir Putin over the weekend, to explain just how ticked off the Western world is with him, Obama has threatened the Russian president with at least one more phonecall, possibly two, by the end of Monday.

“This Russian aggression is utterly unlawful, and we condemn it,” said Obama, “US telephones are already being strategically placed on every desk within the White House, so that no matter which room I am in, I can call Putin any time I want, and make

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March 3, 2014

Major surprises at 86th Oscars

by philapilus

McQueen ‘Triumphant’ in 12 Years A Slave

Pundits say last night’s Academy Awards will go down as the most surprising in the history of the golden statuette, after upsets in all the main categories.

The Oscar for Best Picture went to 12 Years a Slave, Steve McQueen’s sequel to his 1963 film, the Great Escape.

McQueen both directed and starred, again playing Virgil Hilts, recaptured by the Nazis and forced into slavery, attaching those plasticky things to the end of shoelaces, which sort of stop them unravelling.

Best Director went to

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