Archive for March, 2014

March 31, 2014

UK completely disoriented by thing that happens every year

by philapilus

“I say we take the hands off and nuke the clock from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

Work has stagnated across the country, and thousands of people were found stumbling around the streets in their pyjamas and dressing gowns, after the annual thing that happens with the clocks once again caught everyone unawares.

Builder Mike Ock said “Has time gone forwards or backwards? Do I get up, or am I meant to stay in bed till it’s dark and/or light? Am I older or younger than I was?

“The clock on the oven says it is 7:30, but does that mean it is actually 8:30 or 6:30? I am completely freaking out.”

Wendy

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March 28, 2014

Giant rodent ‘Morganzilla’ found in Swedish kitchen

by philapilus

Many Swedes say they have been unable to sleep since seeing pictures of the rodent, and feel constantly sullied and dirty.

Pictures of a giant Piers Morgan caught in a trap have taken Swedish social media by storm, after a Stockholm family captured the oversize rodent in their kitchen.

Father of four, Eric Ericsson, said to Swedish SVT news “We noticed a foul stench coming from the kitchen, accompanied by a horrible chattering sound.

“I opened the door, and there was this horrible creature sitting there, it’s massive, bloated head between its legs so it could lick its

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March 27, 2014

North Korean revolution begins

by philapilus
Kim Jong-Un clapping

The must-have hairstyle for that ‘I’m a batshit mad perverted donkey-fucker’ look, that’s so ‘in’ this season

Preliminary reports suggest that bloody revolution is taking place in North Korea, after attempts to make Kim Jong-Un’s hairstyle mandatory for all men resulted in “all the barbers going completely fucking mental”.

The revolt began on Tuesday, after officials proclaimed the compulsory hairstyle via state media. Within an hour of the announcement, incensed hairdressers had downed their scissors, then, having literally nothing else, picked them up again, and stormed government buildings.

A cohort of angry barbers decimated the people’s army in a vicious battle for Pyongyang, and Kim Jong-un was forced to retreat to the countryside to regroup his

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March 27, 2014

Winnie the Pooh preventing your child from being a genius

by philapilus

Presumably if you know their names you are thicker than porridge

A team from Toronto University has announced that your children would be a bunch of veritable Einsteins by now, if it weren’t for the fact that you read them stories about Paddington Bear, and Peter Rabbit.

Dr Wendy Nailinthehead said “Our research proves that exposing children to the callous lies encoded in texts like ‘The House at Pooh Corner’, will completely destroy their chances of ever getting into a decent university.

“It is precisely because very small children persist in the dangerous delusion, for about a year or so, that animals can talk, that our society is not yet peopled with a master-race of genius-intellectuals.

“Basically

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March 27, 2014

Sport: Flyweight ‘In/Out’ title, Farage vs Clegg

by philapilus

The best bit was when they had both fucked off

Anticipation ran high ahead of last night’s title-fight for the coveted European ‘In/Out’ belt, and an unprecedented crowd of 147 people arrived – more than have ever come to see either fighter before.

The match was mired in controversy before it even began, after a weigh-in on Tuesday which had seen both men struggle to make the minimum weight limit.

Accusations came from both entourages that the opposing fighter had stuffed his pants, but even

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March 26, 2014

Danish zoo: “Lion culling and new ‘Big Game’ restaurant unrelated”

by philapilus

God I could really go for one of those right now; I’m starving

The Danish zoo which gained notoriety for euthanising Marius the giraffe last month has denied that its new culling of four lions is in any way linked to the opening of a new exotic meats restaurant.

Manager of Copenhagen zoo, Pernilla Hvalros, said that ‘Big Game Burger’, which the zoo hopes will one day become an outlet-chain, was “in no way connected with our completely legitimate and necessary killing of big game creatures.”

Hvalros said “Although the menu offers Bacon Double Lion Burgers, and an XL Giraffe-fillet Sandwich, these are just fanciful, playful, product-titles.

“All our burgers are made with meat from the normal cattle; horses, sheep, and maybe the odd cow every now and then.”

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March 25, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Martin Rowyerboatson

by philapilus

Today’s cartoon of the day, syndicated from the Gauridan, showcases the brilliant talent of Martin Rowyerboatson. Martin, like his comrade Steve Belle, knows how to use the fine scalpel of subtle satire to operate on the bloated, diseased body of that evil old world!! 

 

This cartoon doesn’t have Cameron in, but if it did, he would be shiny and pink, and look really stupid! Grrrrr to the Tories!!!!

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March 25, 2014

QUIZ: Which famous character are you????

by philapilus

Perhaps you’re Apollo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Here’s a clue: you aren’t)

Not to be outdone by other websites, social networking sites, or building sites, TMB brings you our very own version of those brilliant quizzes that ask you meaningless questions and then tell you what famous character you are!

 

BUT in a special spin on the genre, our version is not limited to merely telling you if you’re Fred or Wilma, Mars or Venus, Cameron or Clegg; here you can discover who you are from a cast of ALL the famous fictional or factional femmes and fellers of ALL TIME!

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March 25, 2014

Selfie donation errors masterminded by polar bears

by philapilus

Contrary to popular belief, many polar bears do wear make-up, especially copious amounts of eye shadow

It was discovered this morning that the donations intended for the ‘no make-up selfie’ campaign which went erroneously to the WWF, were pilfered as part of a clever ursine scam.

Attempts to divert a sizeable portion of the funds into the WWF’s ‘adopt a polar bear’ campaign, were thwarted when Cancer Research UK administrators noticed that the people who came to collect the money were “nine feet tall and considerably more hairy than you’d expect”.

The subsequent evisceration and devouring of said clerks, and a dropped wallet with pictures of fluffy white cubs in it, enabled even the police to work out that the culprits must be polar bears in disguise.

PC McGarry No. 452, of New Scotland Yard’s Arctic Creatures division, said “This is not the first time that animals have attempted to pilfer funds.

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March 24, 2014

British military shouldn’t model itself on ‘Dad’s Army’, says expert

by philapilus
Dads Army

Britain’s army waits for its high-spec military transport, the 15:35 branchline service from Cookham to Maidenhead

A former head of the army said today that “The bit in the Dad’s Army title sequence, when the British flag retreats over the English channel and sits quivering on the coast of East Sussex, is not a suitable model for our armed forces.”

Sir Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines added that the British Army’s continued reduction in numbers and increasing reliance on octogenarian part-timers, “make it extremely hard to respond to Putin’s annexation of the Crimea with anything more forceful than a remonstrative letter.

“Furthermore, pulling back from our bases in Germany – like the UK triangles fleeing from the Swastika triangles at the start of that excellent comedy show – is going to make us look like a right bunch of twats.”

But Defence Secretary Philip Hammond took a

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