Coma patients to be used as energy source

by philapilus

It’s tempting to make a laboured DWP pun, like ‘the Department of Witless Penny-pinchers’. But it’s much easier to just say: Duncan Smith; Wanker & Prick

After a government attempt to ask coma patients to find work backfired, the Department for Work and Pensions has unveiled a new plan for increasing the productivity of the selfishly indolent sick.

The DWP had tried sending letters to coma patients, “aggressively encouraging them to stop being lazy, get up and do some bloody work”, only to realise that people in comas don’t generally read.

Iain Duncan Smith, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said “These layabouts didn’t even read the letters. Unbelievable! But we think we’ve found a way round it.

“What I am proposing to do is have them all placed in special pods, filled with amniotic slush, and connected to machines which will collect the heat and electricity their bodies produce, whilst they remain comatose.

“We’ll probably need to feed some sort of computer-generated virtual reality into their heads, so that they remain docile and yet still produce brainwaves and energy and so forth.

“I am hoping to have this up and running just before June, and as it involves a certain, negligible amount of little white lies to keep everyone in check, I was thinking of calling it ‘The May Tricks’.

“Good, eh? I don’t know why no one has thought of this before.”

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