DfT encourages cyclists to use motorways

by philapilus

If motorists and cyclists all took each other out, think how tranquil and beautiful our motorways could be…

In a somewhat unusual move, the Department for Transport has announced plans to legalise the use of bicycles on motorways, but only during peak times, and provided cyclists use the fast lane wherever possible.

The move follows an unusual incident in which police stopped a man cycling along the M25, having slavishly followed the directions of his SatNav, rather than the law, or common sense.

DfT spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “We have traditionally prevented cyclists from entering the motorway, because of the extreme likelihood of them being hit by a lorry and smeared across several miles of tarmac.

“But actually it is going to make things a whole lot easier if we make it legal for anyone stupid enough to try it.

“Honestly, with the number of idiots populating this country already, something has to be done, and this seems an eminently fair way of getting them to voluntarily thin out their own numbers.”

James Tawtcnut, president of cyclists’ rights group, We Are Better Than You, said “It’s discrimination not to let us cycle on motorways, footpaths, airport runways, or indeed across MOD munitions-ranges.

“Face it, we cyclists are saving the planet, keeping fit, and generally being better than you in every way. We at WABTY have a saying ‘Only a cyclist deserves to live and breathe’. We will retake this country for bipedallers everywhere!”

But ordinary cyclist, Tim Twanks, said “Actually, I am pretty happy using normal roads. I’d just prefer it if drivers could be a bit more careful not to mow me down whilst talking on their mobiles.

“But then again, given how many cyclists are complete smug arseholes, I can sort of see both sides of the problem.

“Perhaps we could have a system where idiot self-righteous  cyclists can be killed on the motorways by idiot self-righteous drivers who have had their airbags removed, so that it becomes a sort of kamikaze thing?”

 

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