No need to find out where Ukraine is anymore

by philapilus

“It’s Putin’s fault somehow, and we’re pretty sure he’s an arsehole”

Everyone said this morning that they were delighted they could go back to ignoring the Ukraine, after “some complicated shit about Viktor Yanukovych getting ousted over the weekend, or something.”

Arsen Avakov, the interim interior minister, today issued a warrant for Yanukovych’s arrest on charges of mass murder, which news audiences the world over took to mean that the whole thing would now blow over.

Unemployed fish-gutter, Tim Twanks, said “The Ukraine, yeah, that’s been a real mess hasn’t it? I’m not exactly sure what’s happened, but there’s been pictures of fire-bombing or shootings in the Sun nearly every day. It quite spoiled my enjoyment of the breasts.”

A Foreign Office spokesman said “Thank Christ for that. We’ve been struggling for weeks to find someone who could speak Ukrainish. Now we’ll go back to making vague, non-committal statements about the whole thing.

“The main thing is, Putin supported Yanukovych, and Putin is Bad. So Yanukovych being ousted is Good.

“Putin’s sort of like the US was in the ’70s. That was fine then, of course, because it was the 1970s. But now it isn’t. Also, Putin is Russian. They wouldn’t always be the baddies in films if they weren’t evil, right?” 

Wendy Nailinthehead, a computer analyst from Peterborough, added “I do follow the news, and it was getting to the point where I was thinking I might actually have to look up the Ukraine on a map, or Google it or something.

“I really didn’t want to, though, because every time I try and learn about a new country it pushes one of the old ones out of my head. So I am delighted that things are fine now and I can forget all about it. They are fine, aren’t they?”

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