Archive for February 24th, 2014

February 24, 2014

Stunned Scotland discovers North Sea oil “not for cooking with”

by philapilus

Very much NOT what is coming out of the seabed

The Scottish Independence lobby has today been utterly derailed, after the population discovered that North Sea oil can’t be used in a deep fat fryer.

Alistair Darling, chair of the Better Together campaign, said “Alex Salmond was making an uncharacteristically long, pompous and truculent speech, and he said something about ‘oil to meet our energy needs’.

“At which point a reporter interrupted, saying “Hang on; are we talking about crude oil here then? Not vegetable oil?

“Salmond replied that

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February 24, 2014

CNN drops Piers Morgan: “Basically he’s a total asshole”

by philapilus

Britain said today it doesn’t want him back, and asked America if it could kindly just drown him in the Atlantic

Piers Morgan has had his CNN talkshow cancelled, after the news network “finally realised what a smug-faced scumbag” he actually is.

Piers Morgan had previously made a statement saying “CNN and I are parting on the best of terms.

“They are, I’m sure, ¬†delighted with the excellent work I have done on finally laying to rest Larry King’s once-popular show, and I am particularly proud of

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February 24, 2014

No need to find out where Ukraine is anymore

by philapilus

“It’s Putin’s fault somehow, and we’re pretty sure he’s an arsehole”

Everyone said this morning that they were delighted they could go back to ignoring the Ukraine, after “some complicated shit about Viktor Yanukovych getting ousted over the weekend, or something.”

Arsen Avakov, the interim interior minister, today issued a warrant for Yanukovych’s arrest on charges of mass murder, which news audiences the world over took to mean that the whole thing would now blow over.

Unemployed fish-gutter, Tim Twanks, said “The Ukraine, yeah, that’s been a real mess hasn’t it? I’m not exactly sure what’s happened, but there’s been pictures of fire-bombing or shootings in the Sun nearly every day. It quite spoiled my enjoyment of the breasts.”

A Foreign Office spokesman said

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