Guardian readers exploding in advance of Nymphomaniac release

by philapilus
File:Evelyn Ankers pin-up from Yank, The Army Weekly, July 1945.jpg

The only other porn they’re allowed is ironic enjoyment of vintage memorabilia

Readers of Britain’s best newspaper for left-leaning people with special needs, have begun spontaneously combusting, mere hours before the long-awaited release of Nymphomaniac.

Both the Guardian’s staff and readership have developed an unhealthy obsession with  Lars von Trier’s new film, which has been featured in over 7500 articles since the start of the year.

Psychologist Wendy Nailinthehead explained “When you start reading the Guardian, they make you take an oath – you know, to be a good feminist, leftist, eco-nut, and so forth – and one of the things you absolutely have to promise is never ever to look at porn.

“This film has fannies, willies, tits, and lots of penetrative sex, obviously, but it isn’t porn because it’s made by a safely renowned, artistic director, and has grungy bits as well as blowjobs. So that means they can finally watch people getting their end away, like the rest of us do all the time.”

But for some Guardian readers the agonising frustration of the long wait, combined with the unspeakable excitement of the film’s release tomorrow, has been too much to bear, and many have simply exploded.

Guardian reader Holly Erthanthow said “I was just sitting in the cafe reading a new biography of Jean Genet, and I noticed these two other regulars, chatting about the film.

“Suddenly they both turned red, and started shaking, and trying to tear their clothes off.

“But before anyone could do anything they just exploded, in a messy shower of bodyparts, and years of backed-up spunk, all over their Apple laptops.

“In its own way, it was quite beautiful and moving. And I totally saw a willy. Excuse me, I’m just going to have to pop to the ladies’ room for a… a moment.”

 

 

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