Archive for February 21st, 2014

February 21, 2014

Farage and Clegg to have long, hard kiss

by philapilus

Nigel can often be found sitting on a park bench, harmlessly counting pieces of couscous into his shoe, for hour after happy hour

Nigel Farage has accepted Nick Clegg’s challenge to join him in a French kiss that will go on and on, until one of them admits defeat and pulls away in disgust.

Farage had already accepted Clegg’s earlier challenge, to debate him publically on Europe, but after it became apparent that literally no one would listen, the two agreed to up the stakes.

BBC political analyst, Roger Beaver, said “Both Ukip and the Lib Dems are so unbelievably pathetic that it’s actually just kind of sad now.

“It’s like when an actress is really unpopular, and no one will cast her, and so she ‘accidentally’ posts a sex-tape online, or announces she’d

read more »

February 21, 2014

US-China drama as Obama meets Lama: ‘He just makes me calmer’

by philapilus
File:Wang Qishan ,Obama Basketball S&ED.jpg

‘Calm down guys; you’re still my main homies! He’s never even SEEN my basketball, much less got to throw it”

America has politely suggested China should chill the fuck out, after the bristly country complained that Barack Obama was once again meeting with the Dalai Lama.

The exiled spiritual leader of Tibet is due to visit the White House today, in a move that Beijing has denounced as political interference.

President Obama, however, said “It’s not political. I’m just like, really stressed at the moment guys. I’m dealing with this fucking Putin asshole half the time, I’ve got that whiny little Cameron bitch trying to crawl up my ass, and unless I start trying to bomb something soon, all the Republicans are going to start yelling. Well, yelling louder.

“The Dalai Lama is

read more »

February 21, 2014

Britain needs Judge Dredd, says report

by philapilus

‘Tough on littering, tough on the causes of littering’

The UK can only be saved from its current fallen state of lawless mayhem by the introduction of on-the-spot executioners, according to a centre-right think tank.

Policy Exchange has called for court-closures, the recruitment of more magistrates, and the arming of the latter with a range of powerful firearms allowing them to ‘Judge’ criminals on the streets. Terminally.

The report recommends basing magistrates in police stations to speed up justice, and to give the public all the benefits of a well-organised police-state.

It calls for “Far-reaching reform of the judicial system, in line with budgetary constraints and policy goals, and also some of those motorbikes with mounted laser canons.”

It goes on to

read more »

February 21, 2014

Guardian readers exploding in advance of Nymphomaniac release

by philapilus
File:Evelyn Ankers pin-up from Yank, The Army Weekly, July 1945.jpg

The only other porn they’re allowed is ironic enjoyment of vintage memorabilia

Readers of Britain’s best newspaper for left-leaning people with special needs, have begun spontaneously combusting, mere hours before the long-awaited release of Nymphomaniac.

Both the Guardian’s staff and readership have developed an unhealthy obsession with ┬áLars von Trier’s new film, which has been featured in over 7500 articles since the start of the year.

Psychologist Wendy Nailinthehead explained “When you start reading the Guardian, they make you take an oath – you know, to be a good feminist, leftist, eco-nut, and so forth – and one of the things you absolutely have to promise is never ever to look at porn.

“This film has

read more »