Britain thanks gays for day of celibacy

by philapilus

“Right now, somewhere in Britain, men are doing things to each other that would make your dad feel very, very uncomfortable”

After an unprecedented Sunday in which areas of the country saw blue sky – and occasionally even the sun – the UK has offered thanks to the gay community, who have presumably abstained from having sex all day.

UKIP homosexual weather spokesman, Martin Vinegarsole, said “The last few weeks of Biblical-style destruction have proved that God finds the bum-bandits every bit as annoying as stepping on a piece of LEGO in the dark.

“But today has been dry, sunny, and the neck-high water covering everything has had a lukewarm feel to it, which means that obviously the gays have managed to keep their willies to themselves for a change! Let’s just hope they keep at it.

“By ‘keep at it’ obviously I mean ‘keep at the abstinence’, not ‘keep at it‘; the last thing we need is for them to start doing it again. Damn, why is it that every time I start a perfectly innocuous sentence I end up thinking about bumsex?”

Samantha Carter, a lesbian who has inexplicably not yet been divinely struck down, said “Was it sunny? I didn’t notice. My girlfriend and I have spent the entire day in bed, doing every dirty thing unknown to man.”

Tim Twanks, who is still waiting to be crushed under the loving, correctional heel of God, added “I’m sorry, but my husband and I didn’t abstain from sex today. I know that’s bad, but it was our anniversary, and we missed it last year because some weather-concerned citizens hospitalised me for three weeks, for being a faggot.

“If it helps we promise to think nothing but self-loathing thoughts tomorrow, and to refrain from sex completely from now on, just like a normal, established, heterosexual couple.”

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