Met Office issues revised flood information

by philapilus

The BBC Weather team

As it predicted yet more flooding today, the Met Office has said Britain’s only chance of survival against the righteous wrath of nature is to sacrifice key national figures, at various sacred coves, waterfalls, and ancient fords.

Weather forecasters were instructed this morning to lose the suits and designer dresses, put on their traditional druidic robes, and crown themselves with wreaths of hawthorn, before telling the cowed peasantry the most magical locations for ritually murdering a selection of politicians and celebrities.

BBC weatherman, Tomasz Schafernaker, said “Obviously you’ll want to keep an eye on regional television, to see which famous people should be dressed in white robes and then hacked up with a sickle, in your particular area.

“But the broad picture for the UK is that Prince Charles needs to be dismembered and thrown off Beachy Head, the Spice Girls must be rounded up and cut to ribbons at the source of the Thames, and overrated actress Judi Dench should be adorned with holly, and pushed down Canonteign Falls.

“Along the East coast you can expect to see the waters of the River Styx itself boil up and wash the soil from the very bones of the Earth – and that of course is because of this area of low pressure just to the right, which will move Westwards by mid-morning, unless both the Krankies are ritually drowned in the fountains at Trafalgar Square.

“Premier league footballers en masse should be herded together, puréed in an industrial abattoir, and then burnt in a huge furnace set up near a holy rill in Glastonbury.

“That has nothing to do with the weather; they’re just fucking arseholes.”

Some people however have begun to turn against the weather magicians, saying it is they themselves who are responsible for these diluvian endtimes.

Veteran weather forecaster Michael Fish was last night grabbed by a mob, and carried to a place of execution, screaming “You can’t blame me for this one! I only do winds! This one is water! Blame that fucker Carol Kirkwood!”

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