Archive for February 12th, 2014

February 12, 2014

UK Treasury ministers to rip off unsuspecting Americans

by unpseudable

With news emerging this week of a phone scam that used a photo of the unwitting Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, new and potentially lucrative Treasury schemes have been unveiled.

Who wouldn’t trust this guy?

Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, put out a statement to explain: “We received reports that a woman from Kentucky got a call from Jamaica, informing her that she’d won $2.5 million and a Mercedes Benz, and all she needed to do was send money to pay off the tax on the prizes.  This she duly did – simply because the caller used a photo of Danny Alexander as ID, to prove his legitimacy.  And she thought he looked trustworthy – why is anyone’s guess.  So we figured: shit, why don’t we just do that?  We could make millions!

“And if we get caught

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February 12, 2014

Reboot of remake of Robocop begins shooting

by philapilus

‘Another great way of reinvigorating a tired franchise is to introduce a robot butler’

As the 2014 Robocop remake nears the end of its first week in the cinema, studio sources have confirmed that principal shooting has begun for a remake of the remake.

MGM supremo, Randy Bumfukowizc, said “That old 2014 version of Robocop was a timeless classic, just like the 1987 version before it.

“But timeless classics start to look faded and tired very fast, no matter how timeless or classic, and so we have started filming a timely reboot, to bring this classic, lucrative franchise up to date. And it’s going to be just as timeless and classic as the previous ones.”

Rumours abound that in

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February 12, 2014

Met Office issues revised flood information

by philapilus

The BBC Weather team

As it predicted yet more flooding today, the Met Office has said Britain’s only chance of survival against the righteous wrath of nature is to sacrifice key national figures, at various sacred coves, waterfalls, and ancient fords.

Weather forecasters were instructed this morning to lose the suits and designer dresses, put on their traditional druidic robes, and crown themselves with wreaths of hawthorn, before telling the cowed peasantry the most magical locations for ritually murdering a selection of politicians and celebrities.

BBC weatherman, Tomasz Schafernaker, said “Obviously you’ll want to keep an eye on regional television, to see which famous people should be dressed in white robes and then hacked up with a sickle, in your particular area.

“But the broad picture for the UK is that Prince Charles needs to be dismembered and thrown off Beachy Head, the Spice Girls must

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