Putin threatens to stick his big, hard nuke into virgin Canadian soil

by philapilus

Vladi likes a good tumble, but not in a gay way

Vladimir Putin has lashed out at Canada, after an amusing, gentle Canadian advert protested against the tide of Russian homophobia surrounding the Sochi Winter Olympics. 

Putin said he “will not rule out a nuclear strike against the country of benders, in retaliation for their Satanic support of queers and sodomites.”

Surrounded by big burly security men, with large weapons in their pockets, the president declared his own unimpeachable heterosexual manliness, and called for “violence against anyone who thinks it is ok to have botty-sex with another man.”

Putin was praised for his modern views, by such bastions of contemporary morality as the Ugandan and Nigerian churches, the BNP, the UK Conservative party, and the Ku Klux Klan.

Wearing the traditional hood and robes of a senior Conservative politician, an anonymous Tory spokesman said “Canada is often portrayed as an easy-going, peaceful country, with gentle folk who just want to get on with everyone.

“Now they have produced this nigh-on pornographic video of two men sitting on a luge whilst evil gay music plays in the background.

“They’re thrusting back and forth just like we certainly didn’t do in the toilets at Eton, and I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t give me a funny feeling in my pants at all.

“Disgusting gaylords. Incidentally, how does one go about finding a luge partner?”

Putin reiterated that Sochi would be a “gayfree zone”, and confirmed his manliness by oiling up his body and wrestling a bear.

Canada just shrugged, smiled, sat back in its chair and shook its head at the fuckwitted mystery of the world.

“My bedroom’s up the stairs, first door on the right. You know, just in case you were wondering…”

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