Archive for February 7th, 2014

February 7, 2014

Putin threatens to stick his big, hard nuke into virgin Canadian soil

by philapilus

Vladi likes a good tumble, but not in a gay way

Vladimir Putin has lashed out at Canada, after an amusing, gentle Canadian advert protested against the tide of Russian homophobia surrounding the Sochi Winter Olympics. 

Putin said he “will not rule out a nuclear strike against the country of benders, in retaliation for their Satanic support of queers and sodomites.”

Surrounded by big burly security men, with large weapons in their pockets, the president declared his own unimpeachable heterosexual manliness, and called for “violence against anyone who thinks it is ok to have

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February 7, 2014

Environment Agency to search for fabled Somerset

by philapilus

It is believed they made vessels of clay, like this one, because the strong cider could melt its way through metal or glass containers.

Environment Agency chief, Chris Smith, will lead a nautical expedition today, to search for the legendary sunken county of Somerset.

Smith spoke to reporters, before boarding his ship, the ‘Too Little Too Late’, and said “Somerset has always been a part of our mythical folklore, and the romance of a long-lost, sea-claimed land is enticing to us.

“Like Atlantis, Somerset represents man’s yearning for a forgotten past, and the danger of humanity’s pride before the

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February 7, 2014

Showbiz News: Leno’s chin bows out

by philapilus

‘Like a misplaced camel’s hump’

Jay Leno’s chin has announced its retirement, after 22 years of presenting the Tonight Show.

The chin recorded the show’s last ever episode, which featured a star-studded selection of guests, and thanked viewers for their loyalty.

The chin’s agent said “Jay Leno’s chin will be spending some time away from Leno, as creative differences have led to a rift over the last few years, and they both feel that they need their

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February 7, 2014

RMT celebrates decisive victory

by philapilus
Bob Crow said he was delighted this morning, after two days of¬†extensive striking by London Underground staff achieved “more than we ever dreamed possible.”
As news broke that literally all the demands of staff had been met, and that furthermore every employee would be given a Ferrari, and that they definitely weren’t going to be fired anymore, union members celebrated the genius and leadership of Crow.
Speaking from a five-star hotel on the moon, where he was munching five-star moon-lobster, the rotund unionist and darling of Britain’s lovably insane right wing press said “Obviously I

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