Sochi Olympics handy dos and don’ts guide!

by unpseudable

Ahead of the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, TMB has exclusively acquired the visitors’ guide for olympians and spectators alike on their exciting visit to Russia’s Black Sea port.

Sochi is definitely ready to welcome you!

On arrival in Sochi you will probably want to get straight to your hotel and have a rest, being weary after your long travels. Firstly we recommend that you confirm your hotel has been built. Don’t worry – chances are it will have been! Some may still require a few cosmetic finishing touches of course, but once the floor’s put in everything will be fine. If you are one of those lucky enough to be booked into an actual complete hotel, your Sochi adventures can begin!

You may want to splash a little refreshing water on your face. STOP! It goes without saying that first you should check if there is running water, and that the water contains no abrasive chemicals, likely to burn through your face. Drip a few drops on the linoleum flooring. If it doesn’t burn through in a couple of minutes you’ll probably be fine. Don’t be put off by the colour – lots of people don’t drink their own urine, but you’ll get used to it. You might want to give it a quick boil first, though, just to be on the safe side.

You will probably need to use toilet facilities at some point during your time in Sochi. It is important that you don’t put ANYTHING in the toilet. Please use the bin provided.

Don’t forget, there must be ABSOLUTELY no fishing in Sochi toilets.

Now you’re ready for an evening out in the bustling metropolis of Sochi. You may not have been welcomed to your hotel room by one of our famous stray dogs, but you can’t miss the numerous cute little critters roaming the streets! If they are not writhing around in the final throes of death already, please avail yourself of any weapon that comes to hand and finish them off. Thanks!

If, during your time in Sochi, you are lucky enough to see President Putin in person, DO NOT make eye contact unless you are a pretty lady. Our great leader is as heterosexual and manly as they come, and he could snap you like a twig.

We hope you enjoy the Sochi games! Just look at those stadia! If that’s not $51 billion well spent we don’t know what is!

Everything’s pretty much entirely ready

%d bloggers like this: