Facebook predicts your imminent death

by philapilus

Thanks for playing

Facebook confirmed today that it is using a montage of your postings and on-site activities, the so-called  ‘Facebook Movie’, to bring you a gentle, hopefully moving, summation of your life – primarily because you are about to die.

A spokesperson for the social media giant said “You may have seen a number of your friends posting a video, with uplifting yet somehow bittersweet music, which gives a short precis of their lives, as shared online with e-friends.

“This is because through careful analysis of your lifestyle, a complex system of demographic predictions, and a team of extremely efficient assassins, we have worked out when pretty much everyone using our site is going to die.

“Our gift to those about to pass on, is this little reminder of how much time you have wasted on pointless uploading of photos of yourself, in folders like ‘me and the lads’, or ‘the Great Hen Do of 2012’.

“Also featured will be a number of your most ‘liked’ statuses, including ‘Urgh, Mondays’, ‘I have the BEST friends’ and the fantastically egocentric ‘Why does the world hate ME so much? It’s raining, and I am on holiday :(‘.

“Basically, what we’re saying is, Cower brief mortals, your time is nigh.


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