The author said “Looking at Rupert Grint, and then at Daniel Radcliffe – and then back at Rupert Grint, and then back at Daniel Radcliffe again, you have to say that Hermione would have been a bloody idiot to settle for either of them.
“If I had had any sense, I would have made her tell them both to fuck off, leave that whining little speccy git to his doom, and dump the ginger.
“Then she would have gone to Hollywood, and tried to meet Brad Pitt, or at the very least Tom Hiddleston, either of whom would have been not-a-little impressed that she was not only very hot, but could do actual magic, for fuck’s sake.
“Instead the arc of my story followed the general trend whereby pathetic losers get the girl, thus offering wish-fulfilment for the vast majority of people – who are of course pathetic losers – and helping women to remain unempowered appendages to men within the narrative conventions of our times.”
Emma Watson, the actress who played Hermione, said “I did occasionally wonder why my character was supposed to be attracted to Ron. I kept waiting for the bit where Rowling would reveal he had her under a dark enchantment, or was holding her parents in a dungeon or something. Even just a ten inch penis might have explained it.
“But apparently Hermione was just a massive idiot.”
Professor Hamish McEyebrau, author of ‘The Shallow but Realistic Criteria People use In Deciding Who To Bone’, said “If Rupert and Daniel weren’t immensely rich, they would be fingering slags round the back of KFC, and feeling grateful they were getting any at all.
“Similarly, Harry and Ron were just bloody lucky they lived in a world where the only other eligible bachelors were either fat hairy giants, gay OAPs, or else had the life expectancy of a cheeseburger in John Goodman’s kitchen.”