Mail asks: ‘Foxy Knoxy to be Locksy in Boxy?’

by philapilus

For the record, The Daily Mail is a brilliant paper, peopled with first-class journalists. We respect them enormously, and completely regret the utter untruths we have published in this article. Please, tell our families we loved them.

By tapping the occult phone of ‘Oleaginous Little Prick of the Year’ Paul Dacre, TMB is able to reveal messages that Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, sent to his staff in the Seventh Circle of Hell, where they have been preparing today’s top story, details of which we can now reveal.

After an Italian court reinstated Amanda Knox’s guilty verdict yesterday, the Mail will today be leading with the title ‘Will Foxy Knoxy be Locksy in Boxy?’

Following this will be a large picture of Amanda Knox’s face tagged ‘Evilest smile; is she a vile crocodile?’ next to a picture of Knox on holiday wearing a bikini, with the caption ‘Who wants to knock Knox – look at those knockers!!’

The fashion and beauty editor will then run a piece on the difficulties of proper skincare in jail, titled ‘Will prison wizen the vixen? Condition arisen?’

There will then follow a rambling, hate-filled diatribe which will stop just short of saying anything actionable about Knox, Italian courts, or Meredith Kercher’s family, whilst implying that the Mail alone knows exactly where the truth lies.

We offered Dacre the chance to respond to our pre-emptive scoop on his story, and the be-horned one replied “You think you can stop me? You think you can take me on? I am Dacre! Kneel before me or face the eternal hellfires of Daily Mail roastings FOREVER!”

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On an entirely unrelated note, TMB would like to announce that we will be closing down after the publication of this article, following devastating explosions that have just taken place in our head office, accompanying the opening of a vortex into the maw of the infernal abyss.

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