Cameron to ask Hollande for ‘tips with the ladies’

by philapilus

Cameron is relying on good old British bitter – honey in the mouth, a lead cannonball on the stomach – to get Hollande tipsy enough to share some of his ‘moves’

As David Cameron prepares to take Francois Hollande to the pub this afternoon, reports have emerged that the prime minister intends to press a tipsy Hollande for advice on how to pull.

After talks at Brize Norton about the EU, and a political tug-of-war over sovereign powers, the two men will go for a ‘cheeky pint’ at the local boozer.

Here Cameron plans to describe his marital frustrations, and ask Hollande how one goes about getting the phone numbers of hot actresses.

An aide said “Dave and Sam do really love each other, but the prime minister feels that he just isn’t getting his end away as much as he would like.

“He’s been envying Berlusconi for years, and now Hollande has got himself a hottie. Even Merkel is getting more pussy than Dave. I think he feels that enough is enough.”

A leaked memo, written by Cameron’s language coach, contains translations of phrases for the PM to memorise including the French versions of ‘How far above my weight can I punch, realistically?’, ‘How do I get from “you’re pretty” to “please can I have a blow-job”before she says she has to go home?’ and ‘How do I know if she’s clean?’

Gerard Fromage, a spokesman for the French President,  said “M’sieur Hollande he is – ‘ow you say? – a stud. ‘e will listen to your Prime Minister whining about zer EU, but all zer time ‘e will be displaying a picture of Mademoiselle Julie Gayet most unsubtly.

“And zen, your Monsieur Cameron, ‘e will be putty in zer hands, and if your silly Prime Minister wants to be as lucky with zer ladies as ozzer EU leaders, ‘e will stop all zer bitching, and join zer Euro.

“ozzerwise his dreams of Keira Knightley will remain unfulfilled, and ‘aunt  him forever.”

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