Archive for January 31st, 2014

January 31, 2014

Sun page 3 girl leads country in prayer

by philapilus

‘Surely even the Lord likes a decent set of melons? And that’s not sexist, it’s just a fact.’

Holly from Ilford bared her chest in the Sun today, whilst inviting the country to join her in a meditative prayer to Almighty God, pleading with Him to cease the constant deluge.

On Page 3, Holly’s speech bubble says, “Loving Father, we pray to you, through the patron saint of good weather, St Medard, and beg you to stop micturating so violently upon our sinful heads.

“We wondered if perhaps, in your all-seeing wisdom, you might just sort of divert the clouds over to France for

read more »

Advertisements
January 31, 2014

Cameron to ask Hollande for ‘tips with the ladies’

by philapilus

Cameron is relying on good old British bitter – honey in the mouth, a lead cannonball on the stomach – to get Hollande tipsy enough to share some of his ‘moves’

As David Cameron prepares to take Francois Hollande to the pub this afternoon, reports have emerged that the prime minister intends to press a tipsy Hollande for advice on how to pull.

After talks at Brize Norton about the EU, and a political tug-of-war over sovereign powers, the two men will go for a ‘cheeky pint’ at the local boozer.

Here Cameron plans to describe his marital frustrations, and ask Hollande how one goes about getting the phone numbers of hot actresses.

An aide said “Dave and Sam do

read more »

January 31, 2014

Mail asks: ‘Foxy Knoxy to be Locksy in Boxy?’

by philapilus

For the record, The Daily Mail is a brilliant paper, peopled with first-class journalists. We respect them enormously, and completely regret the utter untruths we have published in this article. Please, tell our families we loved them.

By tapping the occult phone of ‘Oleaginous Little Prick of the Year’ Paul Dacre, TMB is able to reveal messages that Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, sent to his staff in the Seventh Circle of Hell, where they have been preparing today’s top story, details of which we can now reveal.

After an Italian court reinstated Amanda Knox’s guilty verdict yesterday, the Mail will today be leading with the title ‘Will Foxy Knoxy be Locksy in Boxy?’

Following this will be a

read more »