Jim Davidson voted celebrity ‘people most want to disappear’

by philapilus

‘It’s how we got rid of the Chuckle Brothers’

The public unanimously agreed yesterday that Jim Davidson was the celebrity who they most wanted “to fuck off and never come back”.

Davidson was announced as the ‘winner’ of Celebrity Big Brother; the nation’s official way of trying to keep someone segregated from the rest of the country, and shut up in a house for as long as possible.

Media Analyst Rick Head said “Celebrity Big Brother is a tried and tested method of making people disappear for a bit. A group of utter hateful twats are basically successfully kept off the streets and quarantined in a place where they can do no more harm.

“The best bit is that the house is filled with cameras, which means the egotistical ‘celebrity’ fucks will actually claw each others eyes out for the chance to move in, you don’t have to force them or anything!

“Then a live feed is produced, which absolutely no one watches voluntarily.

“Ratings represent several groups of ‘viewers’: violent prisoners who are strapped to a chair with their eyelids forced open, like in Clockwork Orange; people who are too fat to get off the sofa and change the channel; and people in hospices, who are more likely to just give up and die when the programme is on, saving the NHS millions in care costs.”

Jim Davidson’s ‘win’ is confirmation that the British people would very much like him to be chained up on the islet of Rockall and left there.

Celebrity-Exterminator, Mark Chapman, said “The plan is that after a week or so, trained specialists in biochem suits will be helicoptered onto the remote rock to dispose of the body with flamethrowers, and the ashes will be scattered across the world’s oceans, so that no one can gather them up and try to resurrect him.

“It’s the only way to be sure.”

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