Rubbish bins to get round-the-clock police protection

by unpseudable

Highly sought-after refuse with a ‘street value’ of almost nothing

The Crown Prosecution Service this week took steps to ensure the ongoing mass wastage of food, by prosecuting three people who took a bit of rubbish from a bin.

Three men were arrested suspected of having taken some veg and cheese destined for landfill, after an audacious police operation to apprehend them.

Recounting the events of the evening, PC Bill Copper said, “We arrived on the scene just behind Iceland (the shop, not the country) at 11.57pm.  On seeing the perpetrators I said, ‘hold it right there’, and basically they did.  At that point, the adrenaline took over and I just did what I had to do: wandered over to them, said ‘you’re under arrest’ and, well, put the handcuffs on.”

The arrests were welcomed by local resident, freelance jousting instructor, Phil Foil.  “It’s about time something was done about this – nowadays I have to lock my dustbins to stop the criminal element getting their hands on my precious refuse.  The streets of Kentish Town will be safer tonight.”

The Crown Prosecution Service has been accused of overkill, short-sightedness, and being ‘total and utter dicks’.  It did, however, defend its intention to criminalise the usage of waste food.  “We feel that there is considerable public interest in prosecuting these three individuals.  They’ll put bin men out of a job for a start.  Besides which, let us not forget that the original value of the items came to a total of £33.  Yes, £33.  Granted, they were devalued slightly, having been unceremoniously chucked in the trash, but that only reduced the value of the goods – by which I refer to the actual monetary value in the open market – by an order of, let me see… just a quick calculation… about £33.

“In the long term, this kind of action could save hundreds of thousands.

“Sorry, did I say ‘save’?  I did of course mean ‘cost’.  Sorry about that.”

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