Archive for January 29th, 2014

January 29, 2014

Rubbish bins to get round-the-clock police protection

by unpseudable

Highly sought-after refuse with a ‘street value’ of almost nothing

The Crown Prosecution Service this week took steps to ensure the ongoing mass wastage of food, by prosecuting three people who took a bit of rubbish from a bin.

Three men were arrested suspected of having taken some veg and cheese destined for landfill, after an audacious police operation to apprehend them.

Recounting the events of the evening, PC Bill Copper said, “We arrived on the scene just behind Iceland (the shop, not the country) at 11.57pm.  On seeing the perpetrators I said, ‘hold it right there’, and basically they did.  At that point, the adrenaline took over and I just did what I had to do: wandered over to them, said ‘you’re under arrest’ and, well, put the handcuffs on.”

The arrests were welcomed

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January 29, 2014

Balls-baiting regresses to shouting ‘You’re a twat’ over and over

by philapilus

‘What’s so funny about a pair of balls and a stick anyway?’

Positive economic figures allowed the Tories to mount a concerted attack on Shadow-Chancellor Ed Balls yesterday, with initial homonym jokes about male testicles/his name, soon degenerating into screams of “You useless cunt, Balls!”

Questions from Conservative backbenchers began along the lines of ‘Is the opposition’s economic policy just total Balls?’, ‘Is the Shadow Chancellor getting testey?’ and even the somewhat laboured ‘Has the Shadow Chancellor run into a policy cul-de-SAC?’

But quite quickly the Tories

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January 29, 2014

Pete Seeger’s death unleashes ‘perfect storm’ of Billy Bragg and banjos

by philapilus

Holy shit

The passing of elderly folk singer, Pete Seeger, has inevitably led to Billy Bragg, and to a nostalgia for banjos, according to music experts.

Seeger, one of the greatest statesmen of the folk revival and protest movement, is remembered both for his peaceful resistance to batshit-mad right-wingnuts, and his ability to play the banjo without sounding like an inbred hillbilly.

But Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute of Nasal-singing, said “We are facing a Billy Bragg media-presence of pandemic proportions, and – terrifyingly – a

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January 29, 2014

BBC and TMB ask: Can dogs tell time?

by philapilus

AWWWW, LOOK AT THE LITTLE DOGGIIE-WOGGIE-WOODLE!!!! BUT DOES DIDDUMS-WIDDUMS KNOW HIS FIVE-TO FROM HIS FIVE-PAST??! HIS BIG HAND FROM HIS LITTLE HAND????!!!!!!!!! FIND OUT RIGHT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In what we hope will be the first of a series of collaborations with small but plucky sister organisation, the BBC, TMB seeks to answer the scintillatingly complex scientific question posed by a new documentary shown last night on BBC2, and now available on something called iPlayer!!!! Namely:

Q: Can dogs really

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