Pope relaunches himself as the ‘Ozzy Osbourne of religion’

by philapilus

Remarkably similar to the current gesture of benediction

Pope Francis has said he was ‘delighted’ with the success of a performance earlier this week, in which he flung two helpless white doves into the path of a maddened crow and seagull.

The congregation massed in St Peter’s square were visibly shocked when the Holy Father arrived at his window, thrashing out power chords on a black Gibson SG.

Moments later he hurled the birds from the window, screaming in bloodcurdling tones “Dark Master, accept this my offering!”

Eyewitnesses said the Pope cackled gleefully as the larger birds tore into the doves, then held up his hand in the traditional ‘Devil’s Horns’ Rock n’ Roll salute, before retiring from the balcony.

Cardinal Mario Pavarotti said “The church’s new direction is bound to appeal to a younger, moodier, and above all much, much more pliable audience.

“We think that ‘Going Dark’ will seriously boost the number of angsty, suggestible followers, who will pay over the odds for papal merchandise, steal money off their parents to follow His Holiness around like groupies, and will offer their very souls in eternal servitude.

“So basically it’s business as normal.”

‘We’ve revamped how we bring the collection plate round, as well’

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