Archive for January 28th, 2014

January 28, 2014

Pope relaunches himself as the ‘Ozzy Osbourne of religion’

by philapilus

Remarkably similar to the current gesture of benediction

Pope Francis has said he was ‘delighted’ with the success of a performance earlier this week, in which he flung two helpless white doves into the path of a maddened crow and seagull.

The congregation massed in St Peter’s square were visibly shocked when the Holy Father arrived at his window, thrashing out power chords on a black Gibson SG.

Moments later he hurled the birds from the window, screaming in bloodcurdling tones “Dark Master, accept this

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January 28, 2014

“Angry Birds is No. 1 terrorist training tool” says NSA

by philapilus

‘Just like 9/11 all over again…’

US and British spy agencies have justified their data collection from computer game ‘Angry Birds’ on the grounds that the game is a covert method of recruiting and training terrorists.

Mr NotHisRealName, from the National Security Agency, said “Of course we’re spying on everyone who plays Angry Birds! Just think about it: righteously furious, airborne assailants, slingshotting themselves into infidel pigs. What about that doesn’t spell ‘suicide bomber training’ to you?”

Mr Spokesman, from definitely non-existent UK agency MI6, said “This is the reality of

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January 28, 2014

Queen to leave door on the latch

by philapilus

‘It’s not like she’s even been given a nice house or anything’

MPs have suggested that since the financial burden of supporting the Royal family has increased, the Queen should leave Buckingham Palace open for visitors whenever she pops out.

Margaret Hodge, Chairwoman of the Public Accounts Committee, said “We’re not asking her to physically sit there and entertain thousands of grubby foreigners to tea.

“But if she happens to be on her way out for a pint of milk or a packet of Bourbons, she could just leave the door ajar, and let some more visitors come in and poke around a bit.”

But the suggestion that Royal assets should be used more effectively to relieve the burden on the public purse, has been dismissed by Royalists, and people who are confused as to the difference between the Monarch and God.

Tim Twanks, a self-described unemployed fan of the Royals, said “They’re not like you and me. They’re just inherently, naturally better, right from birth.

“We can’t

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January 28, 2014

Peter Capaldi to wear gimp mask

by philapilus

You’ll never be able to think about it the same way again…

Doctor Who fans were puzzled yesterday, after the first images of the new Doctor, Peter Capaldi, were released – showing the character dressed head to toe in bondage gear.

Executive Producer Steven Moffat said “This is a Doctor for the 21st century, a Doctor who is in touch with his emotions, is not ashamed to be himself, and who really, really, really just wants to get tied up and thrashed within an inch of his life by a woman with a bullwhip.”

Actor Capaldi said “At first I was like, ‘Hang on, aren’t I going to get a nice suit or something? A scarf even?’ But the producers said ‘Peter, you have no idea how much geek fanny you

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