Year old story causes panic

by unpseudable

Full of diseased rats

Quality papers, including The Sun, The Mirror and The Mail have today been alerting the British public to the anticipated arrival of a ghost ship packed with hundreds, or even thousands, of disease-riven cannibal rats.

The Lyubov Orlova was being towed from St John’s, Newfoundland, to the Dominican Republic when it was torn adrift in bad weather, just last January.  Or ‘2012’, as reported in The Mirror.  It was helpfully annotated in map form, reproduced by the Daily Mail showing the starting point to the north of Newfoundland, as close as a few hundred miles from the actual location of the port of St John’s.

After being towed into the mid-Atlantic and left to drift, it was later located about 500 miles off the coast of Ireland, last February.  Then one of its emergency radio beacons went off, showing a location around 800 miles off Newfoundland.  In March.

Furthermore, sometime last year something was seen on a satellite somewhere near Scotland that could just have been a ship.  However, nothing was found.

Some sceptical voices have been questioning why the story is being reported now.  “Is it because the ship could make landfall any day?” Asked concerned coastguard Bill Portland. “Or because it originally broke free one year ago today and the papers are just a little confused?”

When asked whether the entire story was based on conjecture, editor of The Sun, Nick Dobend, responded saying, “Our stories are based only on facts verified by literally minutes of intense internet searches.   But do you have facts to counter the evidence that the ship will run aground on the coast of Scotland by tomorrow lunchtime?  And that it definitely hasn’t sunk.  Do you have facts to counter the definite and completely true fact that a minimum of 1.25 million rats are on board?  Diseased rats?  Diseased CANNIBAL rats?!”

Taking its lead from such fine organs, TMB asks its reader to ponder these questions: what if the ship didn’t sink months ago?  What if it does wash up onto the shores of Britain?  What if there are diseased and cannibalistic rats on board?  What if they get onto land and spread their diseases amongst our clean, disease-free rats?  Or, having gained the taste for rat, eat our superior native murine wildlife? 

Or us!?!

Journalism is nothing if not sensationalist speculation, and we want a piece of the action.

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