Saatchi and Taki fight will confirm pointlessness of humanity

by philapilus

‘Any minute now one of them will throw a punch, and it’ll be the most exciting, important thing in the entire world’

Experts have said that the anticipated cage-fight, which Charles Saatchi and Taki Theodoracopulos have been challenging one another to in the Spectator, will justify the eradication of the human race.

77 year old millionaire Theodoracopulos first called out the 70 year old art dealer Saatchi, over the latter’s public assault on wife, Nigella Lawson.

Saatchi responded by basically saying “Come on then!”

The prospect of watching two flabby septagenarians tussling – whilst trying not to fall asleep or soil themselves – has excited pundits, fight-fans, betting shops and the entire television-viewing population of the world.

Tim Twanks, unemployed UFC commentator, commented “THIS COULD BE THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY!!! THERE’S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT!!!!!! LET’S GET IT OONNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!”

Humanities departments at the world’s greatest universities; Harvard, Yale, Oxford, the Sorbonne, and of course Slough Polytechnic, echoed this enthusiasm, issuing a joint statement that “Nothing can be found in any historical record, anywhere in the world, that has ever produced more pants-wetting excitement than the prospect of this grudge-match.

“Quite simply this will be the apotheosis of humanity.”

But others say that everything about this latest media circus-driven, fuckwitted, non-event is so depressing, as to justify a complete extinction policy.

Wendy Nailinthehead, Chief Button-Pushing Advisor to several nuclear powers, including the US and UK, said “Ok, you know what? I’ve spent twenty years working hard behind the scenes to avoid nuclear catastrophe, and I’ve been pretty successful.

“Even when Gordon Brown wanted to order a nuclear strike on Tony Blair’s house – and let me tell you, that was a tough one to call off.

“But basically now my feeling is: Fuck it, whatever. Can someone just press the fucking button, please, and let’s all go down together.”

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: