Homophobic Clarkson enlisted to tackle hydrophilic gays

by philapilus

“Quick everyone, on to the life-rafts; gayness floods are coming!”

Christians lucky enough to be unencumbered with high IQs have petitioned Jeremy Clarkson to visit Britain’s flooded areas, and “repel the waters like a modern day King Cnut”, after the presenter posted a homophobic image on twitter.

The photograph showed Clarkson sleeping in a plane, whilst a BBC employee held up a sign inscribed with the witty message ‘Gay Cunt’, next to the Top Gear presenter’s head.

“Jeremy is a true warrior for Christ.” said disgraced Ukip member David Silvester, (who thinks God sends floods to punish the UK for allowing gay marriage, and yet inexplicably thinks we should blame gays rather than, say, the deity who sends all the fucking water).

Silvester added “I believe Jeremy can bring light, truth, and an end to bum-bandit rain wherever he goes.

“I have personally written to him in my neatest joined-up handwriting, to ask him to bring salvation to Britain’s sodden – and sodomite –  areas.

“Oh, and maybe the Norfolk Broads; I went there for a non-gay holiday with Godfrey Bloom, and there was water absolutely everywhere, it was miserable. And it definitely wasn’t our fault, we didn’t even hold hands very much.”

But Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Not Being Homophobic, said “Clarkson’s post was not just offensive for its retrograde, clearly derogatory, use of the term ‘gay’, but was also extremely offensive to cunts.

“I have known some real cunts in my time, who are nowhere near as godawful as that brainless, bigoted, bloated darling of middle England. In fact just yesterday I was talking to Gordon Ramsay and Alan Sugar, and they told me they felt stigmatised and violated by the comparison.

“Clarkson’s not so much ‘King Cnut’, he’s more ‘King…’ oh, you know where I’m going with this.”

Furthermore the majority of non-fuckwitted people in floodplain areas have expressed their personal doubt that God sends deluges because of gayness, and simultaneously, their personal certainty that Jeremy Clarkson is not useful for anything at all in any case.

Someone who wasn’t an utter twat, said “Well, I don’t know anything about God sending vengeful floods because of what married couples choose to do with their front bottoms.

“But if Clarkson does come here, the only way he could possibly be of any benefit is if we use his grossly misshapen, flabby corpulence as a makeshift seawall.”

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