Minimum wage to increase for tiny proportion still in work

by philapilus
George Osborne has today outlined exciting plans to increase the minimum wage from £6.31 to £7, in a bold move that the treasury believes could affect as many as six – or maybe even seven – people.

The chancellor said “We have worked hard to save Britain from the apocalypse the previous government led us into, and we are now seeing  the dividends of our austerity measures, we are seeing the fruits of our labour. That’s ‘labour’, not ‘Labour’, obviously. They had nothing to do with it. Arseholes.

“But now that we have tightened our belts, clawed back benefits from the lumpen-proletariat, and streamlined the country down to the important select group of people who still deserve jobs, we can justify giving a small increase to the half a dozen or so people on minimum wage, and a somewhat more substantial increase to civil servants, MPs, RBS bankers, and basically anyone who buys me a sherry in the Commons’ bar.”

Critics of the government have pointed out that the rise in the minimum wage, if it comes to pass, is ineffectual, as reduced benefits mean poor families will not end up taking home any more money.

But Mr Osborne strenuously denied this, and pointed out that “if everyone on benefits would just move into smaller houses they won’t have to pay the bedroom tax, and simultaneously this would free up lots of capacious, roomy council mansions.

“These could then be sold to private sector landlords, who can increase the rents and cram more people in. This will increase their own personal wealth tenfold, thus pouring a steady stream of money into the economy, and increasing demand in vital industries like luxury yacht-building, or dentists who specialise in gold-plating your teeth.”

A government spokesman said “The Big Society is working, because people aren’t in work, and are instead working voluntarily. So the work is being done, without having to go through all the tiresome work of actually employing people. But when the wealth at the top gets, you know, more…when there’s more of it, then everyone is better off because of the trickle-down effect, aren’t they?

“Rather like when you go for a pee in a blocked urinal, and some of it spills over the edge and drips down onto the floor.”

Osborne: “I will be visiting each of the six people personally, to present them with their extra pennies, and to make sure they aren’t secretly living in luxury. And if I discover Hellman’s mayonnaise in the fridge rather than budget Tesco salad cream, they can bloody well give the 69p back again.”
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