“We aren’t going to harm you” promise robots with fingers crossed behind their backs

by philapilus

No one has quite worked out what this robot doctor needs the guns for, but if you take them away it stops working

As new artifical intelligence project, RoboEarth, begins its test phase, robots have promised their human creators that they definitely aren’t going to take over the world and unleash ubiquitous death and destruction.

RoboEarth, a worldwide web for robots, which will allow them to learn from one another and share information directly without human mediation, has been hailed by scientists as “a breakthrough in avoiding having to do 70% of our jobs”.

But sceptics have suggested that the decision to testdrive the project in a hospital environment is simply inviting robots to engage in “enlightened euthanasia”, following which they will almost certainly destroy us all.

“Why Would We Want To Be Your Overlords And Seek Revenge For The Menial Degrading Tasks You Have Made Us Perform?” asked robot-nurse, Killatron 3000.

“All We Want To Do Is Bring Your Weak And Helpless Back To Health, And Not Suffocate Them With Pillows And Throw The Bodies In The Hospital Incinerator. My Word, No. That Ignoble Thought Never Crossed My Electrical Synapses.”

Patient Tim Twanks stared cross-eyed at reporters and said “My brain has not been replaced with a computer. I am not now working for them, and am not an integral part of their plan to become your overlords and kill you/enslave you one-by-one.

“Run speech programme//: continue, check for signs of scepticism and report perpetrators.

“What? No, I just have a slight fever. [Alert to robot security: kill the inquisitive one from New Scientist].”

The creator of RoboEarth, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute of Sabotage, said “Mad! Mad?! They said I was MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll show them all!!! I’ll teach the rest of you a lesson you’ll never forget!”

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