RBS “to eat your children”

by philapilus

“Money doesn’t come into it; they do it out of the goodness of their hearts”

Labour leader Ed Miliband has suggested it might not be the best thing in the world to throw all newborn children “into the rapacious maw of RBS.”

His comments come after it was revealed that RBS’s top bankers are pushing for bonuses equal to double their salaries, and a spring barbecue in which they want to spitroast the children of the working and middle classes.

Miliband said “The government owns 80% of RBS, and it is up to the shareholders to decide how high bonuses go. Given that this bank is full of fucking idiots, maybe we shouldn’t let them help themselves to the flesh and blood of the next generation?”

“God, it’s easy this opposition thing isn’t it? You can say what you like and look really moral, and it doesn’t matter because you are completely powerless!

“I am sort of like Jesus, going into the temple and throwing out the moneychangers. Except that doesn’t mean I want to get crucified in the next election. That’s Nick Clegg’s job.”

But RBS investment banker Tom Shaft said “It’s very simple. If you don’t let me eat your children I might refuse to work here, and then what are you going to do, eh?”

Quaffing Dom Perignon from a solid gold chalice he put his feet up on a poor person, and said “Lazily drawn stereotypes like me are your only hope. There are literally no career-hungry arseholes in the lower echelons of banking who would strangle their own grandmothers to get my job even if they only got half my salary.”

The treasury responded to Mr Miliband’s challenge by calling him “Anti-business, economically clueless, and a massive gaylord who shags old tramps in public toilets.”

Chancellor George Osborne said “If I don’t keep the Tom Shafts of this country sated with the blood of newborns they might leave, and apparently it’s extremely hard to find anybody else who would run a bank. I mean, no one would work for a bonus that was only the same as their annual salary.

“Bankers told me that, and if anyone should know it’d be them, right?”

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