Pair of trainers sues pimp

by philapilus
File:74892143 f94145facb.jpg

“”So emotionally distressed they are undergoing a course of counselling”

A pair of Nike Jordan trainers is suing convicted pimp Sirgiorgio Clardy after he used them to beat a man so savagely that he needed plastic surgery.

Clardy stamped on a client’s face, and also beat ‘his’ prostitute, and then filed a lawsuit for $100m against Nike, on the grounds that they didn’t warn consumers how dangerous the shoes could be.

But a lawyer for the pair of trainers he was wearing said today that they were suing Clardy because when they agreed to be worn on his feet, they “had no idea he was a dangerous, mind-numbingly stupid psycopath.”

Tim Oyly, from Yewlby, Buggerd, Shatton and Pisston partnership, said “My clients feel that when they were tried on in the shop, Clardy did not make his intentions clear, nor was there a huge warning tattooed across his stupid face to explain that he was a complete and utter fuckwitted asshole.

“These are decent, hardworking, God-fearing trainers, not tools for violent crime, and both have suffered emotional trauma after being used in such a horrific way.

“We are suing Cardy ‘the Cunt’ for $250bn.”

This is not the first time that a pair of shoes has sued their wearer.

In 2004 Kenneth Clark’s brogues successfully sued him for subjecting them to the noxious smell of his feet, and in 2006 Theresa May’s entire collection of shoes filed a mass action against the Tory Home Secretary for importing them from other countries and forcing them to work without benefits or even minuimum wages.

More recently, in December 2013, after he was named ‘Anus of the Annus’ by TMB, George Galloway’s loafers filed a lawsuit against the Respect MP for £175,000 for “tarnishing their reputation”.

It is understood that one of the pair was so traumatised that it subsequently hopped under a steamroller. The remaining, heartbroken, shoe will now be suing Galloway for “being a total bastard”.

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