Americans “prefer actual murders to onscreen violence”

by philapilus

A typical movie theatre foyer.

After a man was shot dead in a cinema for texting his daughter during the previews, it was confirmed today that most ordinary, decent Americans would much rather kill each other than watch films.

Wendy Nailinthehead, professional Christian, said “I like the films what has the violence, as long as there ain’t no swearin’ or taking the Lord’s name in vain. But even better I like watching people actually killin’ one another. As long as they’s not cussing, y’all.”

Randy Bumfukowitz, witness to the murder of Chad Oulson by retired police captain Curtis Reeves told investigating officers it was the best 3D film he had ever seen.

On learning that actually it wasn’t a film, but was a hideous, real life, hot-blooded murder, Bumfukowitz changed his statement to “even better than the best 3D film I have ever seen.”

Psychologist Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Shootings, said “Americans have always liked violence in cinemas, it is just that traditionally it has been acted out on the screen.

“But recently it seems that swathes of violent, semi-sentient, fuckwits would much rather actually attack one another in movie theatres than experience it vicariously.

“This is because many Americans have undergone a psychological transformation that we psychologists call ‘turning into mindless awful cunts’.

“It’s not the violent films that are the problem, it’s the fucking batshit-mad gun-nuts that are the problem.”

But actor Mel Gibson said “This is the fault of the actors who have made their careers out of onscreen violence. If we had only made it look more interesting, more fun – and if we had actually been able to act – maybe the audience wouldn’t be laying into one another with tyre-irons.

“On the other hand, the amount of fucking money I’ve made is insane. So it’s swings and roundabouts.”

Wendy Nailinthehead said “What an awful thang for Gibson to say; Using the ‘F’ word like that! Apart from that tho, I agrees with him. God bless, y’all!”

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