Archive for January 14th, 2014

January 14, 2014

Americans “prefer actual murders to onscreen violence”

by philapilus

A typical movie theatre foyer.

After a man was shot dead in a cinema for texting his daughter during the previews, it was confirmed today that most ordinary, decent Americans would much rather kill each other than watch films.

Wendy Nailinthehead, professional Christian, said “I like the films what has the violence, as long as there ain’t no swearin’ or taking the Lord’s name in vain. But even better I like watching people actually killin’ one another. As long as they’s not cussing, y’all.”

Randy Bumfukowitz, witness to the murder of Chad Oulson by retired police captain Curtis Reeves told investigating officers it was the best 3D film he had ever seen.

On learning that

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January 14, 2014

Pair of trainers sues pimp

by philapilus
File:74892143 f94145facb.jpg

“”So emotionally distressed they are undergoing a course of counselling”

A pair of Nike Jordan trainers is suing convicted pimp Sirgiorgio Clardy after he used them to beat a man so savagely that he needed plastic surgery.

Clardy stamped on a client’s face, and also beat ‘his’ prostitute, and then filed a lawsuit for $100m against Nike, on the grounds that they didn’t warn consumers how dangerous the shoes could be.

But a lawyer for the pair of trainers he was wearing said today that they were suing Clardy because when they agreed to be worn on his feet, they “had no idea he was a dangerous, mind-numbingly stupid psycopath.”

Tim Oyly, from Yewlby, Buggerd, Shatton and Pisston partnership, said “My clients feel that when they were tried on in the shop, Clardy did not make his intentions clear, nor was there a huge warning tattooed across his stupid face to explain that

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