Timelapse between enacting policies and apologising for them is to be abolished

by philapilus

Nick Clegg has been sent on a tour of the country to apologise for everything to every single member of the population individually

The government has announced that all legislation and  policy decisions will now automatically be accompanied by a formal statement accepting that they are completely wrong, and apologising in advance for all the damage they will cause.

The news came after it emerged today that Royal Mail shares are still worth way more than the government sold them for 3 months ago, and that simultaneously Iain Duncan Smith’s universally loathed ‘spare bedroom tax’ has already been a complete farce.

A government spokesperson said “Potentially around 40,000 people seem to have lost benefits who shouldn’t have, and Royal Mail shares are worth closer to six quid than the three and a bit quid we sold them for.

“We’ve been trying to make out it’s ok, but it isn’t, it’s all a complete fuck-up, and we’re sorry.

“To be honest we think it’s going to be a lot quicker and easier if from now on we always apologise as soon as we do something, so that we don’t then have to pretend it might work, when it is patently a complete bunch of arse.

“And since absolutely everything we do seems to go massively wrong, we should probably apologise for absolutely everything. Including this apology. We are sorry that this apology won’t be successful, well-regarded, or remotely worthwhile. We’re sorry that this apology is, like everything else, a dismal failure”

Business Secretary Vince Cable said he disagreed with the government, however, and took yet another opportunity to attack the people who have given his beleagured party some power for the first time ever.

Mr Cable said “You can’t just assume we sold the shares at the wrong price. You’ve got to give it three months or so. What, already? God that was quick! Ok, well we should probably give it another six months then. Maybe a year.”

Nick Clegg then made a public statement apologising for Vince Cable’s statement, and indeed for Vince Cable himself.

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