Archive for January 10th, 2014

January 10, 2014

MP warns of influx of time-travelling immigrants

by unpseudable

Every Slav could have had one of these by 1988. We can’t know for sure.

Conservative Member of Parliament, and ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ star, Nadine Dorries, used her appearance on Question Time this week to alert the public to the danger of mass immigration from the Eastern Europe of the mid-1990s. Or potentially chronologically even earlier.

Dorries’ stark warning came in response to an audience member asking if racist rhetoric might subside as the feared large-scale influx of immigrants from Romania and Bulgaria has failed to materialise. “There has been no tidal wave but there might be tomorrow, there might be next year – we don’t know – and that is the problem.” She asserted, continuing, “We could have a tidal wave from Yugoslavia.”

When it was pointed out to her that Yugoslavia broke up during the Yugoslav wars of the early 90s, Dorries continued, “Err, well, yes, of course.

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January 10, 2014

Timelapse between enacting policies and apologising for them is to be abolished

by philapilus

Nick Clegg has been sent on a tour of the country to apologise for everything to every single member of the population individually

The government has announced that all legislation and  policy decisions will now automatically be accompanied by a formal statement accepting that they are completely wrong, and apologising in advance for all the damage they will cause.

The news came after it emerged today that Royal Mail shares are still worth way more than the government sold them for 3 months ago, and that simultaneously Iain Duncan Smith’s universally loathed ‘spare bedroom tax’ has already been a complete farce.

A government spokesperson said “Potentially around 40,000 people seem to have lost benefits who shouldn’t have, and Royal Mail shares are worth closer to six quid than the three and a bit quid we sold them for.

“We’ve been trying to make out it’s ok, but it isn’t, it’s all a complete

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